As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance. -- Calvin and Hobbes

Friday, September 4, 2009

One in the crib is worth $291,000 in the bank!


To have a baby is such sweet delight..
but as sweet as the moment of creation?
I shouldn't comment on any suggestive truths regarding this subject, since I am not a parent.

Oh how about if you actually saved the money you would spend on a kid or two..(right!) The going rate is about $300,000 till they are on their own. I don't know what you're thinking, but that obviously doesn't include educational costs. What ever happened to raising kids the old fashioned way: Make them workers! Put them to work beginning at age 5, so they help you make money instead of spend it! Don't let that small body fool you, these little people have stamina! With proper encouragement, you can get 10 or 12 hours a day out of them.

It may be best that I'm not a parent, but I can still reflect on the virtues of parenthood and the lessons I learned from doggone good child rearing!

I can remember, with shockingly benevolent intensity, some good passive aggressive lessons that my Mother taught me. Lessons that have some great applications even now!

In case the old fashioned method of whoopin', hollerin' and general learnin' is not your idea for creating a proper rags to riches story in the future, you can use the Dr. Spock Method, which my Mom seemed to advocate, and we turned out ok. Dr. Spock had a few decent ideas (I haven't read the books, though, but I'm pretty sure one could be called, "How to raise a negotiator"). For more on raising a tyrant, refer to the aforementioned "old fashioned method."

To help out a new Mother in the tough situation of keeping a child alive for 18 years until he can make the decision to destroy himself without your help, here are some great Iconic Mom responses from my youth that you can try on your kids!

When asked for permission, "I suppose."
When asked for permission that she knows she will deny in the near future, but doesn't want to deal with now, "We'll see."
When asked for permission that she really didn't want to deal with ever, "Go ask your father!"
When asked permission for food, " " (....I don't remember ever asking..)
When complaining about the food that was to be offered, "Why don't you just try it first!"
When insisting that the food being offered was not palatable, "Just eat as much as you can, honey!"
When turning blue because you already have eaten as much as you can, which is nothing because the food being offered was liver, "Ok, I really don't like it that much anyway, let's have some cereal!"

And now, for something completely different.

The protective instinct is strong in Mothers. They will endure any and all tortures to keep the little ones safe, especially if the little one is a teenage girl.

Common things Mom said to a boy who was brave enough to show up at my house to take me on a date:

With one arm around the boy's shoulder and a very deceptively sweet smile, "I want you to know that this is my only daughter and she is the most important person in the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to her."

Looking directly into a boy's eyes (and with an imaginary vise around some other area), "So, you will drive carefully, take good care of her, and she will be home by 11:30, right?"

Let's not leave out my Dad completely. Although he did not own a gun, there were the stories my boyfriends told...of the fear that one might the door near the front window..where he would wait...

The most memorable words spoken from any known father at any time during my formidable years:

Answering the door wearing a Priest's robe, greeting all guests to my annual Halloween party, "Hello, I'm Father Charles, I'll be your Chaperon for the evening!" (I am seriously not making this up!)

Finally, it's important to hold your baby in a very loving, but firm manner, so they really feel protected.

The Mom let me hold this incredible boy for the picture, sans the tight bondage of swaddling wrapping, a term that has been updated by her, since she gave birth. It is now affectionately called "Burrito Wrap!"

If you wrap them up really tight, you have absolute control. This does not need to change as they grow up, it has good applications for young boys, who might put their eye out trying to grab icicles and whatnot. [See A Christmas Story for reference material on the overbundling of winter clothing] Also, if a little boy is bundled up to where he can't move, he'll be protected from the neighborhood bully when he gets shoved into the snow covered sidewalk.

Don't stop there! This great advice applies really well to girls, too! Why let your daughter wear those skimpy provocative clothes--designers want girls to look like crack whores! Just say no! And don't send her to Catholic school either, there are too many perverted fantasies about uniforms! Instead, opt for some good old fashioned sweat shirts and baggy jeans. Very long skirts are back and ruffled tops that go up under the chin...that little house on the prairie look will make her the hit of the school, as I was in the early 80's with my Gunnisax attire. Additional bonus, save money and buy this brand at thrift stores now, kids think it's cool!

Just remember, sometimes a non-Mom can make a great advice columnist, for as we know, dishing out is so much easier than receiving.

Sorry for all you who have seen "progression of a mural" on Facebook and already, (11 or so of these pictures!) If you're interested in seeing that, go to Smelly Rhino's Facebook Page

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Terminology of an idiot

What do you do when people say stupid things?

I was participating in a swap with one of my Etsy groups. The theme was "Talkin 'bout my generation". I was to create a little package of goodies with the 1980's in mind. So, I set out to go to a flea market to look for a couple of things.

I called one flea market I knew to see if they were still there.
She said, "Well, we moved across the street."
(There were on the corner, so I wanted to know which side of the street..)
I asked, "So you're on the North side of the highway now?"
She replied, "Well, that depends on which way you're coming from!"

I ate at a restaurant the other day.
I ordered a salad. So did everyone else at my table, because the power was out and that's all that was on the menu at that moment. (Reminds me the story my Parents told me about when they visited Moscow in the early 90's. You have a big elaborate menu, just to make you feel good, but really there is only one thing available. They wont tell you that, though. You have to continue ordering as they continue to reply, "I'm sorry, Sir, we don't have that available today!" until you finally get to the one item they are actually serving!)

So, everyone orders a salad and someone asks, "Does the dressing come on the side or on the salad?"
The server replies very seriously, "Well, I think it's usually tossed, but I don't think it would be any more trouble to ask the cook to put it on the side for you at no extra charge."
We all ordered it on the side because we didn't want to pass up the added value.

I have mentioned before my favorite quote (by my Father): "I have tried to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are reasonably intelligent, but they just keep disappointing me."

Things to Ponder

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches. -Andy Warhol

We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
-Walt Disney
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