One in the crib is worth $291,000 in the bank!

First, READ THIS!


To have a baby is such sweet delight..
but as sweet as the moment of creation?
I shouldn't comment on any suggestive truths regarding this subject, since I am not a parent.

Oh how about if you actually saved the money you would spend on a kid or two..(right!) The going rate is about $300,000 till they are on their own. I don't know what you're thinking, but that obviously doesn't include educational costs. What ever happened to raising kids the old fashioned way: Make them workers! Put them to work beginning at age 5, so they help you make money instead of spend it! Don't let that small body fool you, these little people have stamina! With proper encouragement, you can get 10 or 12 hours a day out of them.

It may be best that I'm not a parent, but I can still reflect on the virtues of parenthood and the lessons I learned from doggone good child rearing!

I can remember, with shockingly benevolent intensity, some good passive aggressive lessons that my Mother taught me. Lessons that have some great applications even now!

In case the old fashioned method of whoopin', hollerin' and general learnin' is not your idea for creating a proper rags to riches story in the future, you can use the Dr. Spock Method, which my Mom seemed to advocate, and we turned out ok. Dr. Spock had a few decent ideas (I haven't read the books, though, but I'm pretty sure one could be called, "How to raise a negotiator"). For more on raising a tyrant, refer to the aforementioned "old fashioned method."

To help out a new Mother in the tough situation of keeping a child alive for 18 years until he can make the decision to destroy himself without your help, here are some great Iconic Mom responses from my youth that you can try on your kids!

When asked for permission, "I suppose."
When asked for permission that she knows she will deny in the near future, but doesn't want to deal with now, "We'll see."
When asked for permission that she really didn't want to deal with ever, "Go ask your father!"
When asked permission for food, " " (....I don't remember ever asking..)
When complaining about the food that was to be offered, "Why don't you just try it first!"
When insisting that the food being offered was not palatable, "Just eat as much as you can, honey!"
When turning blue because you already have eaten as much as you can, which is nothing because the food being offered was liver, "Ok, I really don't like it that much anyway, let's have some cereal!"

And now, for something completely different.

The protective instinct is strong in Mothers. They will endure any and all tortures to keep the little ones safe, especially if the little one is a teenage girl.

Common things Mom said to a boy who was brave enough to show up at my house to take me on a date:

With one arm around the boy's shoulder and a very deceptively sweet smile, "I want you to know that this is my only daughter and she is the most important person in the world to me, and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to her."

Looking directly into a boy's eyes (and with an imaginary vise around some other area), "So, you will drive carefully, take good care of her, and she will be home by 11:30, right?"

Let's not leave out my Dad completely. Although he did not own a gun, there were the stories my boyfriends told...of the fear that one might exist...by the door near the front window..where he would wait...

The most memorable words spoken from any known father at any time during my formidable years:

Answering the door wearing a Priest's robe, greeting all guests to my annual Halloween party, "Hello, I'm Father Charles, I'll be your Chaperon for the evening!" (I am seriously not making this up!)



Finally, it's important to hold your baby in a very loving, but firm manner, so they really feel protected.

The Mom let me hold this incredible boy for the picture, sans the tight bondage of swaddling wrapping, a term that has been updated by her, since she gave birth. It is now affectionately called "Burrito Wrap!"

If you wrap them up really tight, you have absolute control. This does not need to change as they grow up, it has good applications for young boys, who might put their eye out trying to grab icicles and whatnot. [See A Christmas Story for reference material on the overbundling of winter clothing] Also, if a little boy is bundled up to where he can't move, he'll be protected from the neighborhood bully when he gets shoved into the snow covered sidewalk.

Don't stop there! This great advice applies really well to girls, too! Why let your daughter wear those skimpy provocative clothes--designers want girls to look like crack whores! Just say no! And don't send her to Catholic school either, there are too many perverted fantasies about uniforms! Instead, opt for some good old fashioned sweat shirts and baggy jeans. Very long skirts are back and ruffled tops that go up under the chin...that little house on the prairie look will make her the hit of the school, as I was in the early 80's with my Gunnisax attire. Additional bonus, save money and buy this brand at thrift stores now, kids think it's cool!

Just remember, sometimes a non-Mom can make a great advice columnist, for as we know, dishing out is so much easier than receiving.

Sorry for all you who have seen "progression of a mural" on Facebook and already, (11 or so of these pictures!) If you're interested in seeing that, go to Smelly Rhino's Facebook Page

One in the crib is worth $291,000 in the bank!

Terminology of an idiot

What do you do when people say stupid things?

I was participating in a swap with one of my Etsy groups. The theme was "Talkin 'bout my generation". I was to create a little package of goodies with the 1980's in mind. So, I set out to go to a flea market to look for a couple of things.

I called one flea market I knew to see if they were still there.
She said, "Well, we moved across the street."
(There were on the corner, so I wanted to know which side of the street..)
I asked, "So you're on the North side of the highway now?"
She replied, "Well, that depends on which way you're coming from!"

I ate at a restaurant the other day.
I ordered a salad. So did everyone else at my table, because the power was out and that's all that was on the menu at that moment. (Reminds me the story my Parents told me about when they visited Moscow in the early 90's. You have a big elaborate menu, just to make you feel good, but really there is only one thing available. They wont tell you that, though. You have to continue ordering as they continue to reply, "I'm sorry, Sir, we don't have that available today!" until you finally get to the one item they are actually serving!)

So, everyone orders a salad and someone asks, "Does the dressing come on the side or on the salad?"
The server replies very seriously, "Well, I think it's usually tossed, but I don't think it would be any more trouble to ask the cook to put it on the side for you at no extra charge."
We all ordered it on the side because we didn't want to pass up the added value.

I have mentioned before my favorite quote (by my Father): "I have tried to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are reasonably intelligent, but they just keep disappointing me."

Terminology of an idiot

Fly like an egyptian, a Boeing 757, or maybe the Enterprise?

When you are considering your next project, how do you fly?

When it comes unexpectedly, at a whim even, is that the most brilliant moment of creativity? It is for me.

Even though we are all trying to live with some discipline as artists, does it really help your creativity, or just make you keep to a schedule? Is forceful productivity really the key to my growth as an artist? I think there may be some Hallucinogens available to help me out. It worked for Lewis Carroll. I wonder.

Are your most brilliant ideas happening when you are supposed to turn out the lights to sleep?

Would it be better if we stayed up, got some cocoa and let ourselves wander with the paintbrush or typewriter or torch until we just couldn't stay up any longer? Did you know that they play some great music at 2:30 am? Oh, it's also the best time to catch An American In Paris on the tube! (oh, sorry, the DLP) I wonder.

How does creativity work anyway and does it keep it's own schedule? Can you force it? Can I learn to hone my creativity and focus it to specific times of the day? Take that wicked moment of focus that begins at 10pm and make it happen at 10 am instead? I sure wonder.

About Inventing:
I keep a notebook next to my bed, so I can journal at night and write down ideas that I'm having. I'm a genius in these hours, but for the 'maybe someday' thinking. Still, I continue to invent all sorts of things in those moments, probably never to be shared.

My Great Grandfather invented the bread wrapping machine. Must have been a late night thing. People probably thought he was a little weird. Imagine for a moment how important this invention was. (Don't blame him for processed foods, it's not his fault if you're fat!) Anyway, his trustworthiness or lack of business prowess lead him to be deceived by some businessmen who stole it from him and he was never paid his due for his brilliance. It's in the Smithsonian now, because of my Uncle's hard work and my Great Grandfather did finally get his credit!

Maybe It's all in my head. Maybe fatigue is similar to drunkenness...you know, when you're drunk, everyone in the room gets a lot better looking and more interesting. You know where I'm going with this.

I'm tragically brilliant in my twilight hours. Of course, many ideas come too late..."I really should make a prototype design for my tuna fish strainer and get it over to a factory in China for production." lol. You laugh, but that was just one, lost idea! Yea, probably too much wine. They're selling now in grocery stores. Some jerk thought of it finally. silly. I know. Still, I wonder.

I wanted to put a film on fabric so I could run it through a printer. That was like 15 years ago. I just bought some today. 10 tiny sheets for $6.99. Highway robbery! I'd tell you about many others, but you might laugh, or try them yourself, so I'll just leave it at that, tragically absent from reality!

We should keep reminding ourselves that our thoughts are pretty important. Especially the self-deprecating ones; a window to the soul - except you wish you could pull down the shades! Even what I just said about you laughing at me. I don't really feel that way, but it sounded good at the time, you know, for this post and all. A window. I wonder.

This is worth repeating and I firmly believe it: Talent will not get you there. Drive and determination alone are omnipotent. (I read that somewhere).

Ron Popeil is mega mega rich. I'm just sayin.

How does this apply to art? Well, art happens in bed, too! Get your mind out of the gutter (just for a second). Same thing happens with planning my paintings as the lights go out: "Ah, right! Yes! I should put metallic gold with a bronze glaze over the edges of the crackle with the red! DUH! brilliant!

Well, I think what I'm saying is that you need to write everything down; anytime you think of it. Keep that notepad in your car, in your purse, use your iphone. And, of course, record your thoughts at night. It's really amazing what brilliance you can observe that you probably wont ever share with anyone anyway. It will help you go to sleep though, with a smile, dreaming about what could be; like dreamers do.

Extra dreamy sidebar:
Maybe some inventing TV or Web prototype company will come to me and say (in an Australian accent), "You have just the right personality..Let's talk, we need a creative goofball like you to add to our team!" I better color my hair and drop another 10 lbs first. Oh, maybe someday.

You can go back to the gutter now.

Fly like an egyptian, a Boeing 757, or maybe the Enterprise?

Wonder Woman must have been bulimic

We have been remodeling our master bathroom for a couple of weeks now. We tiled the floor, Eric built a custom cabinet, and we are even going to tackle a concrete counter top! I was going to just paint the walls, but felt that was kind of a lazy finish to all that custom work, especially because I am a professional decorative artist, so I decided to give the room a good Venetian Plastering!

After having my business for the last 3 years, it seems a little strange for me to admit that I don't actually have any decorative finishing at all in our home! It's not that I don't like any of it, but the house is more contemporary. Luckily, Venetian plaster is one of those cool things that looks great anywhere.

I knew I had my work cut out for me, because the walls were not smooth and needed to be sanded before I began, but when I got up on a ladder to see the wonderful job the builder's accomplice had done leaving huge amounts of dry wall plaster in the corners, I nearly impaled my hand on one of those ridiculous star patterns stamped from drywall mud on the ceiling, a common sight in homes in the south. I had to take on the ceiling before I started the walls. If you take a big palette knife, you can scrape the peaks down and although it still wont be completely smooth, it will be paintable and it looks a helluva lot better. Plus, it wont fu#*ing send you to the hospital!

Alas, once the ceiling was done, I felt that I had just done 600 reps on my arms! It continued from there. In the 10 years since I've moved to Atlanta from Seattle, I've honestly done little more than exercise my right bicep to lift a martini now and then. It's not my fault, it's the heat. Sucks the drive right out of you, which sucks because in warm weather, you need to look good wearing little clothing! Still, it makes me think about how celebs get such great bodies. There are two logical explanations: Starvation and cocaine. They say "sexy bitches" for a reason, because you can't look that good with being completely irritable from the lack of calories!

So, eventually I moved on to a primer coat, then several layers of plaster, and some more sanding. After 6 days of keeping my arms up in the air, burning thousands of calories, feelin' the burn, I stepped on the scale (big mistake), and I gained a pound! Must be water retention. Wonder Woman must have been bulimic.

She was drawn at the monthly drink and draw session at Mellow Mushroom in Decatur, GA. I sit right near the front at a low table, while the super hero models stand on top of the bar, giving me a crotch-worthy perspective every month. I ran out of room on my sketch pad..hehe, and hastily made her head too small, but it was so far up in the air, who could know?! (Must have been during the drinking part of the evening) Next month, I'll sit further back to snatch a better view!

We still have to put the room back together and I have to seal the plaster, but I can see completion coming and going back to my martini...Maybe there's some sort of time delay on arms of steel. Maybe they'll just show up next week, and that pound will have gone away! Perhaps changing to red wine will be as good for those muscles as it is for my heart!

Wonder Woman must have been bulimic

In the Hood, and other iterations

This Anthropomorph is a fox terrier, named Romeo. He makes his home with 2 parents and 4 little children. Here, he goes into Sherwood Forest. I've been doing quite of a bit of character art for custom portraits lately, and I really enjoy it! It appeals to the silly little girl who seems to occupy quite a bit of my personality. I did another for this awesome client, the Word-Slinger. I just seems like this little dog has a good imagination. I merely brought it out of him!

Speaking of iterations, I could probably blog all day. If I don't quite know what I'm going to write, I start, then walk away for a while, eventually going back and adding more. But, putting on some music usually gets me into the right frame of mind, to write or paint!

Have you ever noticed how impactful music is on your creativity? I like show tunes, jazz, blues, alternative, and even metal. Recently, I was watching a Megadeth concert on TV, and despite thinking I would not really be interested, I watched anyway. It didn't take long before I realized how really complicated that stuff is. So much so, that I have a new appreciation for it, and I felt really creative that night. I guess you never know what will work for you.

I tell you what doesn't usually work for me. Depressing music. Can't listen to a lot of estrogen bands, female songwriters, although very talented and expertly performed, tend to use an awful lot of emotion in their music, making it kind of depressing. I can only listen for so long before I'm ready to find some chemical alteration. There is one very emotional band, though, the Cocteau Twins, who seem to inspire me in a very deep way, although I've never tried to paint while listening to them.

There are some bands, that no matter how much I listen to them, I don't seem to tire of the music. Number one for me seems to be Dave Mathews Band. I don't know what it is, but I always feel uplifted when listening them them, especially my favorite song, "2 Step".

I also love Queen. I don't think I need to go into why, but you definitely feel empowered! It's very relaxing to listen to Queen while I'm working in a client's home, I get this cadence going, and my hand and the brush really flow! Also a favorite of my friend Michel Nadai, the French Master painter who mentored me in trompe l'oeil.

And if you want to be inspired, how about KT Tunstall, "Suddenly I see" --this is what I want to be!

Many others inspire me to paint in different ways but are nonetheless not saddening (to me). Try these if you a painter: Pink Floyd, Mark Knopfler, Jimmy Buffet, Showtunes, like Phantom of the Opera. Cable even has a showtunes channel. A couple of songs by Blues Traveler also get me going, and I love them for road music, too! A few more that are crazy, fun and mellow: Cake, Beck, The Ramones, and Van Morrison!

This morning, I was excited to play a couple of new CDs given to me by a friend; Marlene Dietrich and Edith Piaf! I absolutely love that old music. Like a cafe/coffee house feel...fun!
The funniest thing happened with Marlene Dietrich: I found myself imagining I was Madeleine Kahn in Blazing Saddles, loathing across the stage in the most hilarious fashion, singing to the boys, "I'm zo ty-ud, ty-ud of pwaying ze game..."

Try some of these different styles and see what affects you in a creative way, gets you singing along, and lifts you up.

I'd like to hear what makes your paint brush steamy!

In the Hood, and other iterations